Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My Husband Doesn't Care if Basement Goblins Eat Me

I went down to our basement last night to fold some laundry, and I screamed. I can't remember why I screamed; maybe something brushed up against me or I almost fell down the stairs. Probably I almost fell down the stairs.

After screaming, though, I remember thinking that Chris would probably come barreling down the stairs. Because if you knew your wife was prone to tumbling down the stairs and heard a scream from the basement, wouldn't you check it out? He didn't appear, so I went about folding laundry for ten minutes. I began to suspect he didn't come into the basement because he'd watched way too many bad horror movies in the 80s, and he learned that you never follow a scream into a basement. So, I was prepared to forgive him for not coming to my rescue.

I came upstairs and we had the following conversation:

Chris: Did you step on the cold floor? Because I heard you scream.

Me: Yeah, about that. You didn't even come to check it out.

Chris: It was just one scream. I figured if there was a creature, you'd have come running back up. (Important note: by creature, my husband means something mundane like a spider or mouse. I hear creature and think Kraken or chupacabra.)

Me: What if there were goblins down there? What if basement goblins were eating me?


Me: You don't even care that basement goblins might have been eating me.

Chris: There aren't goblins in the basement.

Me: Well, what if it was a burglar and he was lying in wait down there, picking us off one by one when we came for the laundry?

Chris: There's no way for him to get in.

Me: There's a giant glass sliding door! He could have just broken it.

Chris: I would have heard that.

Me: You haven't been home all day.

Chris: But you have. And if you don't hear someone breaking all that glass, then you deserve to be picked off.

Me: I would have heard it. But then I'd be terrified to go down in the basement to check it out. I'd just wait up here until you got home so I could tell you about it. But then I'd get distracted and wouldn't remember what I wanted to tell you when you finally got home.

Chris: That's worse than you not hearing it at all!  And probably more accurate.

UPDATE: Y'all, my sister has come up with a theory that explains this entire post in a way that makes me look completely sane: The SilenceProbably THAT is what is in my basement.



  1. Your husband's right -- there's no such thing as basement goblins. And I'm pretty sure kraken live underwater, so it was probably a chupacabra. Whatever it was, it was so terrifying that you had to block it out of your memory. You should probably make your husband do laundry next time.

  2. I think you're right. A chupacabra is most likely to be slinking around and building a den/nest(?) from the basement junk. (What are chupacabra houses called?)

    That memory thing completely explains why when I put laundry in, I hardly ever remember to go back down and move it to the dryer. My husband actually does the laundry most of the time, but he's always, "Why are there blankets from last week growing mold in the washer?" And next time, I'll be all, "It's the chupacabra's fault."

  3. Hysterical. Your husband sounds like mine. This past weekend I was down in the basement, bent forward and slammed my head into the corner of a cupboard. The corner was sharp and it hurt like hell, so I yelled fairly loudly. He was in the next room and never even asked if I was okay. When I asked him about it? "When I saw you leaning under the cupboards I saw that coming. I knew you were okay." Nice, huh?

    Oh and I also have a tendency to fall down stairs and just to fall in general. It's quite pathetic. LOL

  4. My husband "lovingly" calls me The Epitome of Poise and Grace. Really it's just so he doesn't have to check on me every time I trip over my own feet. Sigh.

    Dude, there COULD be goblins in your basement. Has the man never watched a creature movie?? I told mine recently that if he pulls the Lifetime Television for Women "Paranormal movie husband" attitude (ie she sees ghosts/serial killers/creatures/is possessed and HE DOESN'T BELIEVE HER) I will divorce his cold and unfeeling ass.

  5. RIGHT? There could SO be goblins in my basement. My sister-in-law calls certain rooms and buildings on her property "goblin rooms." She doesn't like to go in them, but the cats do, which just sounds like proof to me. Cats and goblins: Either they're fighting or plotting.

    In fairness to my husband, he told me a long time ago that he had no imagination. So I can't get mad at him if he won't believe my goblin-tales.

  6. Found your blog from The Bloggess and I agree that it has to be the Silence. Huge Doctor Who fan here and those episodes freaked me out more than anything. In fact, I told my husband we wouldn't have clean clothes for awhile, because there was no way I was walking down to the basement alone.

  7. Hi Danielle! I LOVE The Bloggess. And also Doctor Who. I'd have to say the Silence are frightening, but weeping angels take the creepy cake. We have this nightlight that is a metal angel; I had to hide it away in a drawer for a while after the weeping angels episodes. My husband thought it was because it was freaking out my son, which was probably true, but I hid it because I couldn't sleep with it watching me. :)