I went down to our basement last night to fold some laundry, and I screamed. I can't remember why I screamed; maybe something brushed up against me or I almost fell down the stairs. Probably I almost fell down the stairs.
After screaming, though, I remember thinking that Chris would probably come barreling down the stairs. Because if you knew your wife was prone to tumbling down the stairs and heard a scream from the basement, wouldn't you check it out? He didn't appear, so I went about folding laundry for ten minutes. I began to suspect he didn't come into the basement because he'd watched way too many bad horror movies in the 80s, and he learned that you never follow a scream into a basement. So, I was prepared to forgive him for not coming to my rescue.
I came upstairs and we had the following conversation:
Chris: Did you step on the cold floor? Because I heard you scream.
Me: Yeah, about that. You didn't even come to check it out.
Chris: It was just one scream. I figured if there was a creature, you'd have come running back up. (Important note: by creature, my husband means something mundane like a spider or mouse. I hear creature and think Kraken or chupacabra.)
Me: What if there were goblins down there? What if basement goblins were eating me?
Me: You don't even care that basement goblins might have been eating me.
Chris: There aren't goblins in the basement.
Me: Well, what if it was a burglar and he was lying in wait down there, picking us off one by one when we came for the laundry?
Chris: There's no way for him to get in.
Me: There's a giant glass sliding door! He could have just broken it.
Chris: I would have heard that.
Me: You haven't been home all day.
Chris: But you have. And if you don't hear someone breaking all that glass, then you deserve to be picked off.
Me: I would have heard it. But then I'd be terrified to go down in the basement to check it out. I'd just wait up here until you got home so I could tell you about it. But then I'd get distracted and wouldn't remember what I wanted to tell you when you finally got home.
Chris: That's worse than you not hearing it at all! And probably more accurate.
UPDATE: Y'all, my sister has come up with a theory that explains this entire post in a way that makes me look completely sane: The Silence. Probably THAT is what is in my basement.