Saturday, April 20, 2013

That time David Bowie wore my imaginary pants

This is an accidental text conversation between my sister and I that pretty much runs the gamut regarding popular goblin literature or movies.

Me: I found the imaginary pants!

Me: Oh, sorry. Meant to send that to Chris. You know when you lose a pair of pants for so long, you start to assume you made them up?

Her: I was about to ask you if you found them on the imaginary goblin.

Me: Ew! No. That wouldn't be cause for excitement. Who'd want to wear pants after a goblin had worn them? I'm like a goblin racist; they have cooties. And other deadly diseases.

Her: Griphook wouldn't like you very much.

Me: And this is why you don't put clothing in your Gringotts vault. Gobins like to play dress up. . . Also, if they know you're a goblin racist, they might put icky goblin stuff on your clothes. And you would never know. Kind of like they do at McDonald's with your food.

Her: Is it just goblins you hate, or house elves and the like also?

Me: No. House elves make you cake. Goblins lurk in the basement. Why am I having to explain these obvious things?

Her: What if a goblin made you a cake? Could it wear your pants then?

Me: What??? Have you not been paying attention? If a goblin makes you a cake, you throw that mess away. In the outside garbage. Because it's probably full of poison. Or goblin boogers, which are probably poisonous.

Her: Well, elves would probably be the worst dentist ever, but they still let Hermey give them check ups!

Me: Are you saying I should accept poisonous cake from goblins because this one time, a misfit elf could clean teeth? Because that's some fairly poor logic.

Her: I'm saying if an elf can be a dentist, then a goblin can bake perfectly good, non-poisonous cakes.

Me: I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. But how about this: If the goblin can prove he's from the island of misfit toys and he bakes a cake, I'll feed it to the cat. If the cat doesn't die, then maybe I'll have a bite.  But I'll never completely trust the goblin chef, and I wouldn't eat a sandwich he made, because everyone knows goblins lick the lettuce.

Her: You're just racial profiling. Not all goblins are evil and make poisonous booger cakes.

Me: Clearly you don't take LoTR seriously.

Her: So, in that logic, all vampires are sparkly because they did that in Twilight?

Me: Ah. No. All vampires suck blood. She made up that sparkly bit.

Her: Well, maybe ALL goblins being horrible and gross is made up, too. Maybe there are goblins out there that want to change, want to be loved, and just want to make delicious cakes!

Me: Now you're just being ridiculous.

Her: Just don't let Jareth hear you talking about his goblins.

Me: Ugh. Also, I don't think I'd wear any pants after David Bowie.

Her: That I can't argue with.


  1. That entire conversation made me want to watch "The Spiderwick Chronicles" again.

    It would take Jareth so much effort to peel those second-skin-tight pants off that I doubt he'd have any energy left to steal babies or stick teenage girls in snow globes.

  2. Loved "The Spiderwick Chronicles," although I had to watch it eleventy dozen times with my son. Surprisingly, it was left out of this conversation--not sure if my sister's seen it.

    Yeah. Not only would I not wear pants AFTER Jareth...Pretty sure I could snug myself into his pants anyway. How do you think pants like that go on? I imagine you have to roll them on similar to stockings.

    1. **pretty sure I COULDN'T snug into his pants.

      Why doesn't Blogger comments allow editing?

  3. Considering the, um, extra padding in Jareth's pants, I think they might come on and off more easily than you might otherwise assume.

    Now I'm a little icked out.

    1. And THIS is why you don't wear pants after David Bowie. Or goblins.