Thursday, January 30, 2014

In which I respond to a potential Facebook stalker

Who can keep up with Facebook's ever changing and complex privacy controls? Apparently not me, because I thought my profile was unsearchable and only those who knew me could make contact. Turns out I was wrong, as I received this hilarious, and possibly creepy, private message earlier today.

Note the picture. Is David Jackson a meteorologist who uses his head shot for his Facebook profile? If so, no wonder they keep getting the forecast wrong. His sentence construction is off; he might mean to say "there will be ice tomorrow," but what comes out is "there has been start ice, but tomorrow has been clear."

I shared this with my sister, who said, "Complimentary, but block him!" Despite an itch to engage David in what one assumes would be a hilarious Facebook conversation, I obeyed my sister. Partly because I've heard stories about stalkers, but mostly because I was concerned with hackers and malware.

So, just in case David of the faux meteorology headshot is actually stalking me, I'm publishing my unsent reply below.

Dear David,
Are you actually Gollum? Because your first sentence sounds a bit "my precious" to me. Just in case there's some sort of confusion, I am not, in fact, a ring. Also, if you reply, can you use the word "hobbitses" in a sentence? That would be awesome.

If you aren't Gollum, did you mean to sound like him? That may be funny. Or creepy. I haven't yet decided. If you didn't mean to sound like him, I don't think we have the same sense of humor, and our friendship is probably doomed to an early end.

I'm also confused by your second sentence. When you say you "have interest in me," are you saying that you've bought STOCK in me? I wasn't aware someone is shilling me as a public entity, and to be honest, I'm not worth very much. You might have been scammed. Unless your interest in me is a vote of confidence in my future success, which is nice. Though I'm not guaranteeing anything, so don't come to me in five years or so complaining about your lost investment.

I'm not sure what "start by been good friends" means. Are we starting a friendship, or have we been friends. OR, are you a time traveler going backwards whilst I'm moving forwards? I'm going to assume it's the latter, which is the only way your statement makes sense. That's pretty cool, but we'll have to be super careful about paradoxes. There are a lot of things wrong in my world, but that doesn't mean I want it to blow up in some time-continuum accident.

And yes, I am married. If you are a time traveler moving backwards on my timeline, it's concerning to me that you would ask that question. But don't explain yourself--remember the paradoxes.



  1. Wowza...that's a whole new level of Facebook weird. I think that beats my ever-changing supply of spam emails offering Jewish, Christian, and Elderly lovers, hot married women looking for cheating spouses (boy, are they looking in the wrong place with me), weight loss, and ED drugs. I'm mildly jealous of your super-awesome Gollum meterologist. I wonder if he can predict the next rise of Sauron?

    1. Right? These are the things inquiring minds want to know.

      Unfortunately, inquiring minds have a husband who doesn't think unblocking and conversing with Gollum the meteorologist is a good idea. Apparently, "it would be fun to see how far down the weird bus goes" isn't a valid reason for risking social media danger.

    2. Ha. Husbands: the safety police.
      Mine would say exactly the same thing.

  2. People are SO strange. Do you get random Gchat requests too?

    1. People are the WEIRDEST.

      I put my chat settings on invisible forever ago and just realized that, which may be the reason I've been Gollum-free there. I better undo that, since some clients like to contact me via gChat.