Monday, July 6, 2015

Becoming Do-Stuff Ninja

Early in 2014, I had plans. All the plans. "It's go big or go home this year," I wrote to a friend, and he agreed. It was the year things were going to happen. The year we would, to steal from Neil Gaiman, "make good art," and it would be glorious.

And stuff did happen in 2014. Stuff that blasted life all to pieces well into 2015--for me and I suspect for my friend as well. For me, not a thing happened according to my plan. I know my plans aren't always the right plans, and I know God has plans that are beyond my understanding...but seriously, you guys. ALL TO PIECES.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9 

I didn't do all the things on my list. Instead, I helped my husband search for a job three times in one year. I didn't move forward on all my creative writing goals. Instead, I kicked my legs furiously just to remain in place with paying freelance work. I didn't run a 6k. Instead, I barely waddled through pregnancy and ended up with a heart condition.  I didn't make good art. Instead, God made a baby.

And, it was glorious. It was also terrifying and hormonal and exhausting and soul-sucking and soul-giving. For a while, I wasn't even a person. I was just a thing pushing forward one step at a time. ALL TO PIECES.

But now, I'm becoming person again. I sing the just-because song. I laugh the just-because laugh.

I plan the just-because plans...but perhaps I'm wiser now. I plan both smaller and grander. I plan in secret and in public. I plan all the things and none of the things. Schrödinger's plans: They are there and they are not until God opens the box for me.

Even so, I'm nervous about planning. I wrote to the same friend tonight, "If I say 'I'm planning and I'm going to do things,' do you think the world will bitch slap me like it did last year when I said that?"

"I hope it doesn't for your sake," he responded. "I'm still reeling from my bitch slap myself, so I'm not sure if I want to do that. But you go right ahead."

I suggested perhaps I should do things and keep it hush, so that the world wouldn't notice. He agreed. Maybe the world just won't notice. Become a do-stuff ninja, I said. 

Ninjas are quiet, so they can hear. A do-stuff ninja doesn't make all the noise with his own plans, so he can hear when God is communicating the real plan.

Ninjas move quickly, but they know when to pause. A do-stuff ninja doesn't run so quickly and stubbornly one direction that he doesn't notice when the path has changed.

Ninjas are fighters, survivors. A do-stuff ninja might  break down and cry when things go wrong, but the tears don't keep him from taking action.

Ninjas are equipped--they have training and weapons. A do-stuff ninja knows that, even amidst the doing of stuff, practice and training and learning are always required.

A do-stuff ninja lives in a world all in pieces. And he picks the pieces up. And he does stuff.

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